RUBIN-STANKIEWICZ: Living with ADHD while society demands consistent productivity

I have ADHD. It took me a while to be able to say that without feeling an overwhelming sense of imposter syndrome. I have inattentive type ADHD, and I also do not experience many of the symptoms that other people with ADHD describe. 

I am not hyperactive. I do not even experience lapses in attention very often because I often work in a state of hyperfocus or right before a deadline, so I can ride on the adrenaline. My inattention manifests in the ways that I can get completely absorbed by distractions, especially on the internet, and look up hours later to realize that hours and hours have passed. 

My main ADHD symptoms presented through my productivity. I have always procrastinated on work and relied on nearing deadlines as my main motivation to get myself to start since task initiation takes a lot of effort for me.

I am frequently late getting to places and lose track of time. There are a number of projects and emails that I started but never finished writing. They sit in my inbox and my mental to-do list for years, like a dark red stain.

But after recently having been diagnosed with inattentive type ADHD, I feel ridiculous to say that it took a diagnosis and ADHD medication for me to even articulate what I was experiencing and that it was actually ADHD. I felt like I was deceiving people before because my presentation of ADHD did not fit the norm. 

We live in a world with increasing awareness of neurodiversity and ADHD, with more and more content on social media focused on lived experiences and symptoms. 

There are issues, though, with some videos and social media content about ADHD being inaccurate or presenting certain symptoms as marked signs of the disorder that are actually comorbid with other conditions, leading people to be misdiagnosed. Talking to a mental health or medical professional if you think you might have ADHD is a good first step. 

But I also want to highlight how important it is for people to recognize that they could have ADHD even when they do not fit the mold or have the symptoms of the traditionally recognized disorder.

This is especially critical because ADHD diagnoses are expensive. Rutgers is rolling out a new program through the Center for Psychological Services that will give students access to an evaluation for ADHD for $150, which is a reduced price compared to other ADHD diagnoses. But this shows that getting an official diagnosis is not always possible or accessible for everyone.

Recognizing you might have ADHD is important because being unable to consistently be productive is such a source of shame, which comes from internalized ableism.

In a capitalistic society, we are measured by what we can produce and what we can do. In a society and economy where you have to work in order to survive, there are tremendous economic and health consequences to not being productive. 

Shame overlaps with symptoms of ADHD in a number of ways. 

For me, that internalized ableism presented itself in perfectionism. To make up for the lateness of an assignment, I often felt I had to make it the most high-quality, perfect piece of work it could be.

That pressure to make the assignment perfect, in part to correct for the perceived “deficiencies” of my work ethic or timeliness, only made starting assignments harder by adding to a wall of pressure and negative feelings around the task. Perfectionism led to procrastination led to shame that carried over into future assignments. 

Another symptom of ADHD that is connected to shame is rejection sensitivity dysphoria, which is marked by experiencing severe or overpowering emotional pain in response to feelings of perceived rejection or failure. 

Rejection sensitivity disorder is associated with ADHD because of emotional dysregulation, but is also connected to people with ADHD having more experiences in academic, work and social settings where they feel like a failure or others express disappointment in them. 

This shame extends beyond ADHD to all experiences of disability. It is so difficult to explain that you were unable to work, even if you needed to, due to your executive dysfunction, or because you had a depressive episode or because you had a flare-up of a health condition. 

The inconsistency of productivity is also at the core of some of the shame. It is hard to understand why during one week I can be on top of my schoolwork, come up with plans for my job and send out long overdue emails and texts, and the following week, I fall behind on all of my assignments and am completely unable to respond to the email chains I set up just a few days prior. 

But at least having the words to describe your experience brings some explanation and rationalization beyond feeling that something is fundamentally wrong with you.

I have been fortunate enough to have immensely kind and understanding people in my life even before I could use ADHD as a framework to help people understand what I was experiencing, so I have not been exposed to the full extent of social and academic rejection due to the ableism that many people have felt.

But regardless of that and regardless of my understanding of neurodiversity, I still blame myself. 

There is also a difference between shame and accountability. Shame is a sometimes debilitating emotion that shuts people down and prevents them from being able to do anything or experience positive change. But we can hold ourselves accountable for needing to get something done without feeling ashamed or as though we are not enough. 

But the debilitating feelings of shame associated with ADHD come mainly from how we experience and internalize systems of ableism and capitalism. Beyond unpacking internalized experiences of shame, we need to work to build a world where survival and worth are not contingent on being consistently productive.

Raisa Rubin-Stankiewicz is a senior in the School of Arts and Sciences majoring in political science and minoring in psychology. Her column, "Rutgers Realities," runs on alternate Thursdays.

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