Forgive, but you don't have to forget

“Forgive and forget” is probably one of the most overused phrases of our time. They say in order to move on from a betrayal, falling out or an unhealthy relationship, you must forgive and forget.

While whoever coined the phrase probably had good intentions, it oversimplifies the undertaking. The act of forgiving isn’t instantaneous but rather a process of healing, reflecting and extending grace to someone — and yourself — after they hurt you.

In order to assess the ethics of “forgive and forget," first we need to dive deep into what it means to forgive. The notion of forgiveness has long been posed as a selfless act, choosing to be the bigger person instead of clinging on to bitterness and resentment that eats at you on the inside. But, sometimes those emotions are necessary — they’re how we grieve and process what happens to us. 

Forgiveness doesn’t solely apply to those who are no longer in our lives, but is an ongoing act within families and friendships as well. By all means, forgive a family member or friend for stealing the last slice of cake or doing something that might've offended you. Relationships are all about learning how to love each other, if those within it are willing to put in the work.

But, I’ve recently learned a new interpretation of forgiveness that looks more inward. Forgiveness isn’t necessarily condoning someone else’s actions, but rather a selfish act that one does for their own peace.

Oprah Winfrey said something in her podcast “Oprah’s SuperSoul Conversations” that has stuck with me ever since hearing it: “Forgiveness is giving up the hope that the past could have been any different.”

I was, yet again, stunned by Oprah's wisdom. We all have the tendency to hold grudges against our foes, but accepting that we have no control over the past or actions other than our own will uncover a new path to healing. But, it can take months and years to arrive at this enlightened conclusion. 

Sometimes, it’s not always possible to forgive given the situation at hand — especially when it comes to toxic and abusive relationships. As the wise Taylor Swift once said, “You don't have to forgive and you don't have to forget to move on. You can move on without any of those things happening. You just become indifferent, and then you move on.” 

Swift’s sentiment plays with the idea of indifference while Oprah highlights the importance of acceptance. Maybe indifference leads the way to acceptance, or vise versa. Regardless, moving on is more about the idea of rendering people or situations that have hurt you powerless and not being ruled by indignation towards them.

“(Swift) is saying: Hold on to your resentment — just don’t let it hold on to you. Don’t let it consume you," as The New York Times points out.

While not everyone is deserving of forgiveness, if we view the deed as something we do for ourselves, it might bring us a lot more peace and freedom in the long run.

From personal experience, I’ve been able to move on from pain and hurt by surrounding myself with people that uplift me and infuse my life with positive energy. Perspective changes when you maximize the good in your life, and you’re able to reflect on past heartache with a subtle appreciation for how much better things turn out to be.

So while I haven’t forgotten all the ways I’ve been mistreated, I’ve worked to come to terms with it by reminding myself that the way someone treats you says more about them than it says about you.

Forgive yes, but you don’t have to forget. Forgive at your own time and pace, after you’ve processed your deepest resentment. And if you don’t have it in you to forgive right now, maybe you will someday.