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Fuller House is not all it's cracked up to be

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Your Danny Tanner needs have finally been fulfilled — well, sort of. Fuller House debuted this past Friday, and I'm sure all Full House fanatics rushed to login into their Netflix accounts to binge watch.

The pilot begins with the whole original cast surrounding the kitchen table except Michelle Tanner, because “she’s busy in New York running her fashion empire.” Stephanie is apparently a disc jockey that travels around the world (What? Like Danny Tanner would approve of that, yeah right.) and D.J. is a mom with three kids. I guess Danny rubbed off on somebody in the house.

Uncle Jesse still has every hair intact. That is no shocker at all, since he has used enough mousse to last him a life time. Aunt Becky still looks exactly the same — guys watching are most likely calling her a "MILF," and if Jesse knew what you were saying behind your screen, he'd be pissed. 

Let's not forget about Nicky and Alex. Their twins look like they just got back from a college banger. That’s all I’m going to say for that one.

One thing that really blew my mind was Joey finally getting a steady comedy gig in Las Vegas. Kudos to him, all that Mr. Woodchuck finally paid off in the end. Now, he can finally move out of Danny’s basement.

Kimmy Gibbler is shockingly “normal,” and she has an event-planning business and a daughter with her ex-husband. I wonder why they got a divorce? Maybe it has something to do with her foul foot stench. Yikes, that would make me go running, too.

I wonder if D.J. and Steve are actually going to end up together in the end. I might force myself to watch this show just to find out. I mean, c’mon, the guy still comes to her house and eats her food. Nothing says true love like that.

This show is eerily similar to the original Full House (aka the best show on the planet.) It is literally a rework of the original, only now it’s D.J., Stephanie and Kimmy living together. 

Unfortunately, all good things must come to an end, and nothing can beat the classics. Fuller House is basically a cheap knock-off of the original. It’s like those fake designer purses that you see people selling at flea markets.

I can’t believe I just said that about a show I was supposed to love — I made myself cringe.

The creator, Jeff Franklin, needs to move on and just let go of Full House. Don’t worry, Jeff, you can always admire your original work of art on the television screen. It’s unfortunately time to retire and vacation at a resort or something.

Now, if you don’t mind, I'm going to go home and put on my Danny Tanner shirt, Full House necklace and turn on some old Full House episodes, the best show known to mankind.

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